What to Do in Denver When You're Dead

The Forts has long outgrown the notion of a "cult", becoming a place that any person who is into dance music — and can at the same time afford a not-so-cheap ticket — is obliged to visit. What's more, "the Forts" is no longer even a noun but a situation.
- Where are you?
- I'm at the Forts.
- Ahhh, well, say no more...
And indeed, say no more.
So, you've got a ticket in your hands, and that means you need to get the most not only out of the festival itself, but out of the whole trip to Petersburg (if, say, you're from Moscow). First of all, you should remember that the Forts is a night-time event, so you need to prepare properly by getting a good day's sleep. And to sleep better you need to have:
A) a place where you can, quite literally, lose yourself in sweet paralysis.
B) the desire to sleep, which can't be summoned by force of will — you have to artificially throw off your schedule.
You'll manage the first point without any trouble. If you have no friends in Piter, or your friends have no spare room — rent an apartment for two days or a room in a mini-hotel. In the centre you can find a double room from 1800 roubles, which is undoubtedly worth the money. Sleeping on a bed is far more pleasant than without one, believe me.

With the desire to sleep it's trickier — the work week imposes its own routines, and sleep comes closer to one in the morning. The legal and sensible solution is to stay up from Friday into Saturday. Of course, you could spend that night pumping yourself full of cheap beer with your compartment neighbour on the train to Petersburg. The result: a splitting head and a hatred of all humankind. But there's a more humane way out — arrive or fly in on Friday evening and go get acquainted with the city's club life. Moscow's arrogance towards the club culture of Piter certainly has its grounds, but it's important to remember where the so-called "Russian rave" was born. The spirit of the DIY ethos still hovers over the club community, 90% of whose promoters pursue their activity as a hobby, without delving into professional intricacies. The virus of spectacular slacking infects all newcomers, and even the most businesslike person lets the tiny little thought "maybe to hell with all my business?" slip into his cruelly structured brain. In the next frame we see this businessman, having taken off his jacket, then his tie, then his shirt, playing foosball until 6 a.m. at the bar "Dacha". The atmosphere, you see, is conducive to it.
So, on Friday evening, once you've got rid of your heavy luggage and the dust of the road, I recommend making your way to the veranda "More", where there's a stunning view of the water, tasty beer and good music. That evening the English rebel group Tigerstyle Sound System will perform, along with a DJ from the Fun'Da'Mental crew called DJ AKI. But if you're going to get upset that you won't be able to make it to "More" — honestly, don't. The next day the festival takes place, at which these and many other heroes of the English scene will perform, but more on that later.

After the concert you have to keep the fun going at some club. My choice is the club "Pravda", the best in the city for sound and light right now. Besides, if you're weeping with grief that "Mix" was closed down — at "Pravda" that night the Muscovite Dukhov, who once brought joy to the patrons of the Chem-club, will be playing. Or, if you want to get some fresh air and have a car, you can drive out to the "Dyuny" resort, on whose beach the venue "Pirate Fort" operates (a coincidence?). Here the honoured toilers of vinyl, Strong (art director of the house club "Par.Spb" until it closed) and Primat (one of the city's oldest DJs), present their new record. The announcement claims that the double album "Nu Roots" & "Deep Inside" combines us garage, us house, chicago soulful, acid, miami tribal and tech. It's hard to imagine such a riot of styles, and this party is a good reason to find out first-hand what's what on the Petersburg house scene.
But there's no need to venture far from the city; honestly — better not to leave the centre at all. All the more so since on the little boat that departs at midnight from the Robespierre Embankment, on Friday DJ Chak will be at the helm — the city's foremost specialist in old funk, hip-hop and other roots black music. With the help of a guest from Germany, a DJ called Steven Inch, the little boat will be rocked by bass and steeped in vibe — everything just as it should be.

If you did everything right, you'll greet the morning contented, tired and sleepy — now sleep, sleep and sleep again...

On waking, take in the thought that you're in Piter. Yes, it's hard, but necessary. Now you can relax — nothing threatens you here, all your creditors and ill-wishers stayed home, and here only pleasures await you. Time, as we know, can be spent usefully, saturating the brain with impressions and the heart with emotions, or it can be squandered pointlessly on computer games or reading last year's magazine on the toilet. And on Saturday afternoon there'll be plenty to do — on the beach of the Peter and Paul Fortress the UK Flavours festival takes place. With the support of the British Council, England's most anti-British groups, the likes of Fun'Da'Mental and other, no less radical artists, will perform. To preserve some balance of mind, the organizers invited the young live wire Lily Allen, who can set the place ablaze no worse than Ozzy Osbourne in his best years. You have to go, because it's not every day that in the very centre of the city you can see at once the dub wizard Mad Professor and the breakbeat butchers Dub Pistols.
And only now, having received a powerful charge of musical information, does the time come to rest a little, to sit for a couple of hours in silence, after which to pull yourself together, cross yourself (or whatever it is you do), and set off for the Fort, having first, just in case, said goodbye to reality. Because if we all get lucky, after the Forts it will be perceived quite differently.

After all the afterparties and after-after-parties have died down, and you wake up in an unfamiliar apartment in an indeterminate state — it's the perfect time to come to your senses. It's assumed that since you consciously went to the Forts, you know how to get through the day after a party without much damage to your psyche. And what will help you with that is, of course, the cinema. The whole centre of Petersburg is stuffed with cinemas like a traffic cop's pocket with fifties. Amid the new releases you can sink into a seat and sleep another hour or two, all the more so since most of them are conducive to it. At the "Avrora" cinema you can catch François Ozon's latest film "Angel", which is stirring debate and discussion among film critics and audiences alike. At the "Rodina" film centre there's Larry Clark's relatively new creation "Wassup Rockers", again about teenagers with their problems and joys. Or, if you don't want to strain your brain at all — Harry Potter awaits you. And after good old Harry, nothing is scary — neither the long road home, nor the hard work week. And the emotions you lived through at the Forts will stay with you forever. As will this whole trip.